I Tried to Tell You
by Eilam Wordsmith
Summary: How do you tell someone that you've come back from the dead?


The screen blinked at her, waiting. In a few more moments, it would flash the words _READY FOR NEW DATA_. Then, after an additional five minutes, it would attempt to rest in standby mode. At which point, she would type something in, restarting the program, and them promptly erase whatever she had typed.

Again.

All previous attempts had been stored in the temporary memory cache, and every single one used the same beginning.

"_Kaidan"_

For some, that was as far as it got before the file was deleted. But there were others.

_Kaidan, it's Shepard. I've missed--_

_Hi, Kaidan. You're not going to believe this, but--_

_Dear Kaidan, This is the hardest thing--_

_Kaidan. Guess who?_

There were longer attempts, but they were fewer in number. Many did not get past the first paragraph.

_To Kaidan Alenko, Alliance Military. _

_Kaidan, I imagine you've heard the rumors about me by now. They're not just rumor. I was rebuilt, somehow. I can't even pretend to understand what kind of weird science went into this, but I did hear just how much it cost. I owe my life to them now._

_Dear Kaidan, _

_I can't believe this is happening. I'm supposed to be dead, and now Cerberus has brought me back just to try to get me killed again. I don't know how much time I have left before things get ugly and I need to see you. I need you._

_Kaidan-_

_I love you. Just wanted to say that before I go off on another suicidal mission. If I don't make it (again), I'm sorry._

But there was one file, one attempt, that had matured into a full letter. It was the latest one, and the one that had taken the longest to erase.

_Kaidan,_

_It's been a long time. Longer for you than for me. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry for so many things. _

_My last words to you should have been something else, something better. One last chance to tell you that I loved you, and I told you to go. Being in charge has its perks, but connecting well with others isn't one of them. But if I could do that moment over, I don't know what I would say instead. I imagine it would have been something along the lines of, "You'll be fine without me. I love you. Go." See? I'd still be telling you to leave, when I was the one stepping out of the picture._

_We meant to have so much time together. Shore leave, romance, dating. Marriage? Maybe that last one was just me, but I still feel like it's my fault for cheating us out of it. Stupid Shepard, playing the hero to save her pilot. _

_Which reminds me. Don't take this out on Joker. Or if you already have, apologize. This new mission is bad news and bad situations, and I think he will have served his time when all's said and done. It's so much harder without you here Kaidan, but I'm also glad you don't have to see some of what others have done--what I have done--to try to save humanity this time._

_Everyone's calling it a suicide mission. Some of my new crew are even counting on it. But you know me; I just can't stay dead. Besides, even if this time I don't make it, if they don't bring me back, it's something I'm willing to die for. Protecting the galaxy. The human race. Protecting you. It was reason enough the first time. It still is._

_Kaidan, I don't know if I'll ever send this letter. But I had to write it now, as soon as I could, or I would never find the words. I'm sorry I can't tell you all this in person. For whatever reason._

_I'm sorry. And I will always love you._

_-Shepard_

As the last of this missive blinked out of existence, Shepard sighed and rested her head in her hands. The screen blinked at her, waiting. And then, a new message opened. _CONTACT ILLUSIVE MAN. URGENT. NEW HUMAN COLONY TARGET KNOWN._

Shepard left, strapping on her armor once again. After five minutes of waiting, the monitor was finally able to shut down and rest.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Man I want Kaidan so bad. But it looks like he's gonna pull a Carth Onasi and only show up for a brief scene. Here's hoping I'm wrong.

So who's excited for ME 2? I won't be able to park myself at a GameStop tonight, but you kids go have fun. Schnapps for all!


End file.
